Mario Kart 8 is the game you play when you like being told, “no.”Everything you do in the game feels like you’re 5 and you’re asking for your Mom’s permission.-Am I allowed to not get chain-stunned by 3 auto-tracking items in a row on the last lap while I’m in first? “No.”-Am I allowed to be in first place, get a defensive item, and not have the AI piss on my face with an item removing thundercloud shorty thereafter? “No.”-Am I allowed to reliably dodge auto-tracking items without the blessings of a holy man and a handwritten letter from Miyamoto stating that I’m allowed to enjoy myself? “No.”-Am I allowed to at least get a fun item in the next box while I attempt to strangle myself with the Wiimote wrist strap? “Maybe.” -Really? “No.”Can I grow my beard out to an adult’s kart racing game, Sonic & All-Stars Racing Transformed? YUUUUUUUUUUP.Mario Kart is a Russian Roulette simulator where the bullets are disguised as turtle shells and only your patience dies. Sonic Racing is the game Charlie Sheen is playing in his head when he talks about winning, and you don’t have to worry about going cold turkey.When you win in Mario Kart it feels like the teacher at your Special Needs Academy gave you a sticker on the calendar for not spitting up your apple sauce. In Sonic Racing you take that sticker, eat it, pick up your grown ass trophy and ride on down to the pawn shop where you sell it for a couple $20’s and a broken pair of Ray-Bans so you can have a good night at the strip club.Mario Kart is fucking banana bread, with nuts in it. Yea I said it. I do not want that shit in my house.

Mario Kart 8 is the game you play when you like being told, “no.”

Everything you do in the game feels like you’re 5 and you’re asking for your Mom’s permission.

-Am I allowed to not get chain-stunned by 3 auto-tracking items in a row on the last lap while I’m in first? “No.”
-Am I allowed to be in first place, get a defensive item, and not have the AI piss on my face with an item removing thundercloud shorty thereafter? “No.”
-Am I allowed to reliably dodge auto-tracking items without the blessings of a holy man and a handwritten letter from Miyamoto stating that I’m allowed to enjoy myself? “No.”
-Am I allowed to at least get a fun item in the next box while I attempt to strangle myself with the Wiimote wrist strap? “Maybe.” 
-Really? “No.”

Can I grow my beard out to an adult’s kart racing game, Sonic & All-Stars Racing Transformed? YUUUUUUUUUUP.

Mario Kart is a Russian Roulette simulator where the bullets are disguised as turtle shells and only your patience dies. Sonic Racing is the game Charlie Sheen is playing in his head when he talks about winning, and you don’t have to worry about going cold turkey.

When you win in Mario Kart it feels like the teacher at your Special Needs Academy gave you a sticker on the calendar for not spitting up your apple sauce. In Sonic Racing you take that sticker, eat it, pick up your grown ass trophy and ride on down to the pawn shop where you sell it for a couple $20’s and a broken pair of Ray-Bans so you can have a good night at the strip club.

Mario Kart is fucking banana bread, with nuts in it. Yea I said it. I do not want that shit in my house.

Did everyone see the new Mad Max: Fury Road trailer?https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iO0jUAzOsV8Charlize Theron is looking hard as hell. I bet her parents were a rusty battery and a piece of glass. She probably wakes up in the morning and brushes her teeth with a dead man’s finger. I bet she puts her make up on by clapping her hands in a crematorium and letting the ash rain down on her face. Her lip gloss is people. 
She’s missing an arm! I bet a guy touched her once and she got so mad she made him eat it in one bite. She’s so hard, fake arm’s got a wrench on it for fixing people’s face.
Bitch is so serious; if Charlize played this character in Prometheus, the Engineers would have to change their name to “Leg Warmers,” because her foot would’ve been that far up their ass.
I bet she gives so little of a shit, she puts on eyeliner by dipping her head in motor oil like she was bobbin’ for apples. Let’s get this girl on an ad.

Did everyone see the new Mad Max: Fury Road trailer?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iO0jUAzOsV8

Charlize Theron is looking hard as hell. I bet her parents were a rusty battery and a piece of glass. She probably wakes up in the morning and brushes her teeth with a dead man’s finger. I bet she puts her make up on by clapping her hands in a crematorium and letting the ash rain down on her face. Her lip gloss is people. 

She’s missing an arm! I bet a guy touched her once and she got so mad she made him eat it in one bite. She’s so hard, fake arm’s got a wrench on it for fixing people’s face.

Bitch is so serious; if Charlize played this character in Prometheus, the Engineers would have to change their name to “Leg Warmers,” because her foot would’ve been that far up their ass.

I bet she gives so little of a shit, she puts on eyeliner by dipping her head in motor oil like she was bobbin’ for apples. Let’s get this girl on an ad.

This is one of the most offensively unartistic things I've ever been exposed to.

(click the title for the video)

This isn’t even bias against Anne Hathaway or Kristen Stewart and her stupid (but hot) face. They’re fine.

Everything else about this is so banal it makes unflavored yogurt seem like Michelin star dining. The music especially.

Mediocrity is one of the gravest offenses to art. It makes you absorb non-directional sensory garbage. From bad art, you can at least learn to not make the same mistakes. Mediocrity, there is nothing to learn. You are deprived of the human condition. There is no stimulation or inspiration, the mind is stifled. For a moment, it’s as if you are dead.

I’m going to have to look at so much Gustav Klimpt to forget this mess.

ART.
"Portrait of a flower, wearing a portrait."

ART.

"Portrait of a flower, wearing a portrait."

Saw VIII: Extreme Inconveniences

How about that feel you get when you step into a shower after a rough day? You had that relaxation on layaway, and it’s about to get paid. 

Suddenly, an eyelash falls directly into your eyeball. You can’t get out of the shower to use a mirror, ‘cuz you’re too lazy and you’ll get the floor wet. You’re forced to endure as it floats around in there, and you make faces like Nic Cage from Matchstick Men.

An otherwise peaceful moment turns into a PG version of Saw, you trying trying to blindly fish around in your eye with your soapy finger, hoping you find it before you die from irritation.

It’s a shitty movie, trust me.

Dear UPS delivery guy,

Please attempt to make your presence known before you leave. Is your knocking hand a whisper? Is it trying to tell me a secret? I can’t hear you when you’re massaging my door with an oven mitt. I don’t need multiple delivery attempts on a package when I’m home, and could have been playing Mario Kart before release date.

For real though, do you street fight or do your knuckles have nipples? Are they that sensitive? Did you get an S-Rank on your espionage mission, Solid Snake? If you’re trying to pretend you’re a ghost, let’s keep it a little bit more Dickens and bring the chains next time, so I can listen for that since your knuckles are made of dinner rolls.

Sincerely, annoyed.

I'm featured on Kotaku today! (⌐■_■)

Chad “Gammon” Walker is an artist who has done all kinds of video game work, from working on actual games to designing box art.

Thanks to everyone for the support!

If you want to hear some of most nuanced, programmed drums around, peep the song “rem” from Serph. So cool and inspirational.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DdQ3el9pf58&feature=youtu.be

My god, the sound effects in Killer Instinct are so loud.

Whenever Fulgore hits someone, it sounds like Michael Bay playing the trash compactor.

Whenever you complete a Fulgore combo, the numbers add to the special effects budget for Michael Bay’s next movie, times 1000.

Read More

Some old highlights from my twitter.

"I’m at Wal-Mart looking at some off the brownest white women around. It looks like a tanning bed fused their DNA with a baked potato."

"Edward Scissorhands is a movie about Johnny Depp learning he can establish an entire career solely by being eccentric."

"Lol, just got a message, ‘Hey there Chris. How much do you charge for illustrations?’
$100 extra for every time you get my name wrong.”

Read More

If you upload a video of any kind, please check your god damn sound balance. It’s not hard people.
-Chad Walker of “Save The Ears Foundation”

The sound is so blown out you could wear it as an afro.

Was the sound in this video recorded with a Campbell’s soup can wrapped in foil? When the video started up it sounded like the audio log of hell from Event Horizon.

Read More

A banner I did for a music blog!My goal for this illustration was to give it that shitty, yet charming, dawn of computer graphics aesthetic. No 3D was used in the creation of this image, all Photoshop!

A banner I did for a music blog!

My goal for this illustration was to give it that shitty, yet charming, dawn of computer graphics aesthetic. No 3D was used in the creation of this image, all Photoshop!

Another Futurecop! illustration! A variant of this being sold as a shirt on Futurecop!’s new merch site “WE ARE THE FUTURE.”http://shop.wearethefuture.uk.com/

Another Futurecop! illustration!

A variant of this being sold as a shirt on Futurecop!’s new merch site “WE ARE THE FUTURE.”

http://shop.wearethefuture.uk.com/

A Oni “combo video” I created for Super Street Fighter 4: AE 2012!

Click for enjoyment.

Want to see a clip of a woman awkwardly squatting behind a keytar, playing it with a grin that would lead you to believe her teeth need air to breathe?

Well I have the video for you.


This is the sort of performer you’d book for your birthday party at Chucky Cheese, in hell.