How about that feel you get when you step into a shower after a rough day? You had that relaxation on layaway, and it’s about to get paid.
Suddenly, an eyelash falls directly into your eyeball. You can’t get out of the shower to use a mirror, ‘cuz you’re too lazy and you’ll get the floor wet. You’re forced to endure as it floats around in there, and you make faces like Nic Cage from Matchstick Men.
An otherwise peaceful moment turns into a PG version of Saw, you trying trying to blindly fish around in your eye with your soapy finger, hoping you find it before you die from irritation.
It’s a shitty movie, trust me.
Mario Kart 8 is the game you play when you like being told, “no.”
Everything you do in the game feels like you’re 5 and you’re asking for your Mom’s permission.
-Am I allowed to not get chain-stunned by 3 auto-tracking items in a row on the last lap while I’m in first? “No.”
-Am I allowed to be in first place, get a defensive item, and not have the AI piss on my face with an item removing thundercloud shorty thereafter? “No.”
-Am I allowed to reliably dodge auto-tracking items without the blessings of a holy man and a handwritten letter from Miyamoto stating that I’m allowed to enjoy myself? “No.”
-Am I allowed to at least get a fun item in the next box while I attempt to strangle myself with the Wiimote wrist strap? “Maybe.”
Can I grow my beard out to an adult’s kart racing game, Sonic & All-Stars Racing Transformed? YUUUUUUUUUUP.
Mario Kart is a Russian Roulette simulator where the bullets are disguised as turtle shells and only your patience dies. Sonic Racing is the game Charlie Sheen is playing in his head when he talks about winning, and you don’t have to worry about going cold turkey.
When you win in Mario Kart it feels like the teacher at your Special Needs Academy gave you a sticker on the calendar for not spitting up your apple sauce. In Sonic Racing you take that sticker, eat it, pick up your grown ass trophy and ride on down to the pawn shop where you sell it for a couple $20’s and a broken pair of Ray-Bans so you can have a good night at the strip club.
Mario Kart is fucking banana bread, with nuts in it. Yea I said it. I do not want that shit in my house.